Overwhelm & traumatic family grief
Overwhelm - traumatic grief within the family
She offered her baby life when many wouldn’t. She wanted to give him a happy in-utero life of love and unconditional acceptance. A peaceful birth was offered knowing he may not survive. But he did. And for 10 days he lived in the arms of his parents and the NICU incubator. And then he took his last breath.
Traumatic, yes. Complicated with so many bodily concerns that would impact his (and their) life, yes. A new mum thrown into depths of unimaginable grief, yes. And for him – the birthfather, traumatic too on so many levels.
But today I pondered on this. When we witness traumatic grief from a distance, ( i.e being a family member) how can we also get out of the overwhelm – not knowing the whole story, but viscerally feeling grief-stricken and at times, overwhelmed with sadness? In my case, not grief for the wee one. But for the one left behind suffering. My daughter. And my loss of her in my life as she grieves without me.
Listening to grief expert David Kessler this morning in my learnings around traumatic grief, my key takeaways were these.
1. Traumatic grief is visceral, but we have ways of regulating our body and bringing it into more calm including self-kindness, reality checking, breathing, having a faith, sending love to the lost loved one, momentary distraction, body-pleasure attention and giving a voice to what’s really hurting. This can include past wounds and their associated ongoing familiar painful reactions and hurts.
2. Overwhelm can be regulated by coming into the present moment. An important question is, “WHEN am I now?” If you are re-feeling or reliving the past (or the future possibilities that aren’t even a reality yet!), come back to noticing what’s tangibly around you in this very moment, address what the current hurt it today and communicate that clearly to those concerned.
3. Someone’s overwhelm might be one of the reasons that person has disconnected from you. Their small degree of energy is probably being used for their own survival. As grief is paced, they may gain a smidgeon more energy and only then, may have the capacity to connect and reach out in small doses.
There may be other catalysts that also offer new spark and desire to reconnect with the wider world, or the inner sanctum of family. In hoping!
Traumatic grief is not isolated. It’s an ecosystem. And as family members, it impacts us all differently. Witnessing (or being denied witnessing) of traumatic grief is painful either way. Personal overwhelm however can be calmed.
How about a session with me re your own overwhelm? Sing out.
