Threads of little deaths - rewoven in the fabric of our lives
Grief doesn’t happen from one event. It comes from repeated little deaths or living losses that erode and shape our identity over time. I call this threads of little deaths that get woven into our lives. And those cumulative losses and our response to them get threaded into recurring patterns of silence and speaking up. Our life basket of what we carry is made up of all those threads - some fine, others bulky, a few frayed, some mended, some maybe even cut, but all are worn to some degree. Our role as life-weavers it to see what’s shaped us, and how we want to weave or reweave the fabric of our life story.
So, what are some warp and wefts that create the tapestry of our life, how we handle those, and subsequently how they impact our voice or ability to speak up.
The warp are the long threads that run vertically and are held stationery and taut on a loom. Let’s see this as an analogy for our foundations, our structure, our roots, our upbringing. Being human, our foundations have been shaped by losses like death, relocating, migration, changing family dynamic and early childhood experiences, but sometimes “little losses” where we got chastised for speaking out of turn, excluded for having a certain opinion, or being told we’re too outspoken or judged as introvert impact us. We lose our sense of security and freedom to unapologetically speak up. The warp may also be interpreted as the systems, societal rules and oppressive norms we’re born into or are adapting in and around. To speak up and to voice our truth may come with a degree of fear and unravelling of our sense of safety, exclusion, or even harsh tarring and feathering.
Silence may have become coping, or an adaptation. Words and topics have become carefully chosen as appropriate or not. The people with whom we speak are determined by how safe we feel. Our habits and behaviours may speak volumes more than our words do. And when we stay silent, we are like submissive wefts, passing under and over the existing framework of what is considered acceptable, preferred or the norm.
In contrast the to the warp which acts as structure – i.e. moral, cultural, familial or societal boundaries, the weft are the threads that pass horizontally back and forth, interlacing over and under the warp yarns to form the weave – the actual design, texture and strength of the cloth or basket.
A metaphor could be speaking up against the grain, courageously challenging the accepted norm, being bold of voice and crafting new patterns into the fabric of our family unit, workplaces, community and world. Speaking up changes the tapestry. This is where advocacy life – for self, first and foremost and for the collective, starts.
If we want our own internal world to change and for collective shifts to be initiated, we need to look at the threads of our own silence and speaking up boundaries and structures – in the here and now or inter-generationally, and then change how we weave by either replacing the structural warps or weaving a different weft yarn.
Here’s to the raranga (weaving course) I’m looking forward to doing real soon, not to mention continuing to weave different stories in my own life and seeing how threads have formed my tapestry.
Two things you can do.
Donate to The Gift of Koa - in memory of my grandson - and helping women to access my offerings and make change in the world.
Contact me for an interview or to get guidance 1:1 on your grief and loss threads and honouring those.
And and actually no.3 - check out my previous blog writing re ancestral threads. Last night we launched this book of which I’m a thread. Sing out if you’d like a copy.
